the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
