Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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