I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How's work?
Spinning.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
