I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
