I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
