i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
