I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
