I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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