Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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