dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
