Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
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Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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