Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
