i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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