Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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