A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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