My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
