OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
