Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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