I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
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My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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