pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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