Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
