After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
