oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
