I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There r osticjed everywhere
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
