I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
