Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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