My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
