she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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