So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
