Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
