walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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