I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I could make wine with my vomit
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
