the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
