Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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