I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
