last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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