Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
