Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
