alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
