I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
