i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
