I got chris browned last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
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Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
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She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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