We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
