glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
