At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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