so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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