shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
