i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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