Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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