you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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