My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
