Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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