he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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