I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
