dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
