i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize