yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
