When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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